January 30, 2007

A Women’s Guide to Men

Posted in Politics, Random Oddments, Relationships at 11:34 pm by Calico Jack

One of my favorite websites to read is the website Ace of Spades. Cleverly disguised as a conservative political blog, Ace of Spades is the funniest website you’ll find, and has the best dedicated group of commenters on the net, bar none. This group of “AoS morons,” as they like to be called, wax poetic not only on political issues, but also anything and everything they want to talk about. They might have the collective intelligence of a chimpanzee, but hey — nobody’s perfect.*

The AoS Morons are famous for a few things: over-the-top flame wars, haiku challenges, and arguing over the differences between women and men. A couple of days ago, Ace issued a challenge to his readers: write headlines for an AoS women’s magazine, written by men. The women were free to respond in like…and everybody rose to the occasion, although I’m not sure that it is an entirely apt description. Six hundred comments later, there is a veritable treasure trove of punchlines to howl at. Some of these are not entirely kiddie-friendly, so I’ve put them after the jump:

“It’s Your Period, Not Our Period: Menstruation Is Not A Freakin’ Joint Checking Account”

“Carmen Electra Posters In The Garage Do Not Mean That We Don’t Love You”

“Tame Those Tangents: A Simple Story About A Banking Error Need Not Include Flashbacks To Summer Camp And A Six Thousand Word Monologue About Your Gay Friend Christopher”

“Tampons: How To Talk To Your Man About Them. Don’t”

“Erectile Disfunction: Why It’s All Your Fault”

“Trickier Than You’d Think: The Hidden Intricacies Of Aim During Standing Urination”

“The Big Cool One Is Chewbacca; The Small Annoying Ones are Ewoks: A Handy Guide to the Star Wars Universe”

“Would You Like It If We Sprayed The House With WD-40? Why Your Man Hates Potpourri”

“Spending Quality Time Together Is Perfectly Acceptable If Performed In Front Of The Television”

“Honest Mistakes: Farting Contests Can Sometimes End In Unfortunate Ways. A Female’s Guide To Forgiving And Forgetting”

“Scrapbooking: Are You ****ing Serious?”

“Indications Our Gender Is Crazy: Getting Mad At Him For Something He Did In Your Dream”

“Girl-Watching: When He’s Looking, He’s Not Necessarily Imaginging An Alternate Future Without You. Sometimes It Really Is Just An Appreciation Of Art”

“Too Hot Or Too Cold: Women’s Binary Approach To Temperature Tolerance”

“When You Spend Our Money, We Have Less of It: Lessons In Subtraction”

“Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death: When He Chooses Not To Choose. Survival Strategies For The Newly Widowed”

“If You Don’t Want To Know The Answer, Don’t Ask The Question: Lessons In Male Honesty”

“He’s Seen Just As Much Of The Movie As You, So Don’t Ask Him About It: A Primer On Film Criticism”

And my favorite:

“Death And The Internet: A Tale Of One Man Whose Wife Read This Thread And Saw His Comments”

There are hundreds more to laugh over, and the women get their kicks in too. I love the internet.

*This might seem like an insult, but in the AoS lingo it’s actually a compliment. I think.

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